Ok, let's be fair. I knew Beastly was going to be shit. I had low expectations for Red Riding Hood and unfortunately for me, I had about six extra months of anticipation for The Adjustment Bureau which only served to make it worse for me once I saw it. Just wanted everyone to know the playing field. Let us begin.Beastly: If you know me at all, you know that I am a sucker for Beauty and the Beast. It is and probably will always be my favorite Disney movie, even though to some extent it can be considered the film that began the systematic destruction of hand-drawn animation-but, that's not the point. Apparently Beastly is based on a novel by the same name which I have been trying to read and which is awful. So, source material being what it is, I'm surprised this film got made at all. Alex Pettyfer plays Kyle/Hunter, our resident jerk-off-becomes-nice-guy-after-being-turned-into-hideous-chud. Kyle is the epitome of selfish, vain and outright douchey and Pettyfer hits on all the right notes there, even while doing it with a very wayward "American" accent. Vanessa Hudgens plays Lindy, the girl whom our beast sets his sights on when he comes to slowly realize there actually is more to life than just "the pretty people". I found Lindy to be awkward and forced at times, though considering the rest of the plot, who really cares? The single BEST thing about this movie is Neil Patrick Harris, who plays a blind tutor to Kyle after he gets voted off the island by his equally douche-vain news anchor father. He's quippy and fantastic (as usual) but he brings a much needed brevity and reality to the texture of the film. Look, I'm not even going to do the rest of this. That last sentence is just making me laugh. The point is, if you like Beauty and the Beast, go see this movie for shits and giggles (matinee, price!). It does have it's moments of being worthy of "Tale as Old as Time" which WILL get stuck in your head for no reason at all. I went to it after a rather droll day at work and it did make me feel better. Granted, I went home and watched the REAL Beauty and the Beast...but again. Not the point.
Red Riding Hood: Jesus God. I don't even know much about Twilight beyond the general lame-ass-girl-inexplicably-being-fought-over-by-two-other-wordly-shitheads, but this freaking movie is the Old World fable version of Twilight. The ethereal Amanda Seyfried and uncompromisingly awesome Gary Oldman couldn't even save this film from Catherine Hardwicke's angsty hands. I was particularly flummoxed by the apparent "lack of discernable era" that the film emoted. They were in a forest, in a tiny town being haunted by a terrible beasty and yet I had NO idea when the hell it was taking place. A city was mentioned, but when they showed it it looked like the cobbled streets of London circa Jack the Ripper so that didn't help at all. Seyfried's two leading men-we'll call them #1 and #2 because they were laughable and horrid and I just don't care-were about as far from engaging as actors can be. I felt zippo passion on either front and I was just incredibly BORED with the whole arranged-marriage-loves-someone-else hoopla. The best thing this flick had going for it (aside from the more random than RANDOM steel elephant being drug through a snowy forest by Oldman's men) was the scenery of their little town. The whole time I was basically thinking "Fuck Grandma, I want my own cabin." Did I mention Julie Christie was in this? No? Well forget she was. I'm sure she already has. I guess that's your movie in a nutshell...a beasty, a mountain-faring-steel-torture-elephant and era-less real estate thoughts. Don't see this unless someone else pays, and even if they do, TRY to convince them to see Beastly instead. Based on the caliber of actors and how serious it took itself, Red Riding Hood is a farther cry from a good film than Beastly is, and man, that's just sad.
The Adjustment Bureau: As I said earlier, my not liking this movie was partly my own fault. I say again, partly. But in my defense, the stupid thing was supposed to come out last year! Plus, when you throw me such an excellent trailer with excellent people that I have to watch for seven months, it's hard for me to reign in that excitement. The funny thing was, coming out of the film I was ok with it. It was only after ruminating for quite sometime that I realized I HATED it. Here's the gist: Matt Damon plays a senatorial candidate, David Norris (who all through the film I assumed was related to Chuck) who has a hole in his heart due to family tragedy. Emily Blunt plays a stranger-on-a-train type contemporary ballet dancer, Elise Sellas, who just can't quite get her shit together long enough to get married. They meet, perchance, one thinks, after an important moment in Norris' career efforts, and are, allegedly, never to meet again. But, the whole film quickly becomes focused on David's necessity to find Elise again, because she's the only thing that makes him feel whole again. I have NO problem with the actors in this film, the performances, even from bit players are stellar. It's directed beautifully, with a lush appreciation for its urban surroundings and in general it's just very well done. The problem is that it was marketed as a science-fiction film with a heart when really it was just a bloody romance movie with a meager few quips on Christian fatalistic ponderings. The movie on the whole left me with far more questions than answers and I didn't even think I had questions going into it. I had expectations for this, yes, but the odd thing is my expectations weren't even in the same genre of what the film turned into.
The film implies The Chairman
Regardless, I was led astray by the trailer, which clearly implied that there would be way more science-fiction and that the love story was merely a bi-product of the whole plot, but there's nothing I can do about it now.
The film has penetrating moments when you think it might be headed toward something other than the cosmic pull of love, but it ends up just being a tease. I liked both characters separately from one another, but pretty much couldn't stand them by the end of the film. Definitely not the outcome I had been hoping for.
Bottom line, this film expects me to believe that, not just former, but a disgraced former senatorial candidate rode the same bus for three YEARS just on the hope that he'd bump into a woman he knows nothing about. That's pretty much your movie, right there. And welp, jog the hell on with that.
